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Last Updated on December 19, 2022

Having a child is not easy, you can ask any woman that, and let’s be fair to the dads here too, you have had to put up with a lot over the last 9 months, so you probably deserve a little break as well! Babies can be hard work, especially at the start when one cough or a sneeze can make your heart stop with fear that they might be unwell.

Often, new parents find that they are drained, unhappy, and simply not ready to smile. That is where we come in. Below are more than 100 super-funny and relatable baby one-liners and sayings that we think will have you laughing in no time.

Most times, parents think that they are the only ones dealing with particular baby issues, but in fact (and studies have shown this), when you realize that others are experiencing the same thing as you, it can take the sting away a little bit. Before we jump into the quotes, let’s take a quick look at some of the best ways that you can help put a smile back on your face after having a child:

1. Read the 100 hilarious quotes on this list – this one is a no-brainer; they are just too good and too relatable!

2. Get some exercise – even if you can’t do it by yourself, get your baby into a stroller or a wheelie pram, and get some fresh air. Exercising releases endorphins that can keep you in a good mood, and walking costs nothing, so it is a super-effective way of keeping yourself in a good mental space. It is even better if you can find a walking partner. Grab a coffee, have a chat, and enjoy a nice walk.

3. Keep your diet in check – eating healthy and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is crucial for maintaining a positive mind frame.

4. Don’t isolate yourself – this is so important because if you isolate yourself, then you have nobody to turn to or talk to when things get rough. Having someone there to vent to, or talk to about your issues can make life a lot easier for you when you are having a hard time.

With those helpful tips in mind, get ready to smile, because these baby quotes and sayings are just perfect:

Funny Baby Quotes and Sayings

1. “It’s a good thing babies don’t give you a lot of time to think. You fall in love with them and when you realize how much they love you back, life is very simple.”

– Anita Diamant.

2. “I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.”

– Robert Orben.

3. “Children make you want to start life over.”

– Muhammad Ali.

4. “A happy baby has shining eyes. It walks open-hearted into the world and spreads magic.”

– Sigrid Leo.

5. “Children bring us a piece of heaven on earth.”

– Roland Leonhardt.

6. “Little boys should never be sent to bed. They always wake up a day older.”

– J.M. Barrie, ‘Peter Pan.’

7. “A baby boy has a special way of bringing out the man in his father and the little boy in his grandfather.”

– Tanya Masse.

8. “Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pants less when your baby walks around pants less.”

– Tina Fey.

9. “People who say, they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one.”

– Leo Burke.

10. “Having children is like living in a frat house- nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

– Ray Romano.

11. “A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.”

– Steve Martin.

12. “Once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer!”

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– Jodi Picoult.

13. “A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.”

– Milwaukee Journal.

14. “You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”

– Franklin P Jones.

15. “Raising kids is a walk in the park. Jurassic Park! ”

– Unknown*.

16. “Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.”

– Olivia Wilde.

17. “Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.”

– Tina Fey.

18. “Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.”

– E. W. Howe.

19. “My mother had a great deal of trouble with me. But I think she enjoyed it.”

– Mark Twain.

20. “Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.”

– Wilhelm Busch.

21. “I don’t dislike babies, though I think very young ones rather disgusting.”

– Queen Victoria.

22. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

– Joan Rivers.

23. “Very new things and very old things are much alike. Everything is a circle. Both ends meet. There is nothing much older or more wrinkled-looking than a baby just born.”

– Monica Shannon.

24. “Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.”

– Erma Bombeck.

25. “I used to be excellent. Now that I have a baby and I couldn’t tell you what day it is.”

– Gwyneth Paltrow.

26. “We went all out with new things for our first child and the second one had nothing but hand-me-downs. The bronzed baby shoes almost killed him.”

– Phyllis Diller.

27. “Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.”

– Mark Twain.

28. “A baby’s cry is precisely as serious as it sounds.”

– Jean Liedloff.

29. “When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: ‘Fetch!’.”

– Bruce Lansky.

30. “Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.”

– Carol Burnett.

31. “I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”

– Jimmy Fallon.

32. “A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

– Jerry Seinfeld.

33. “A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson.

34. “Parenting: Nobody really wants the job, but everybody thinks they can do better.”

― Bruce Lansky.

35. “90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.”

– Unknown*.

36. “I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.”

– Unknown*.

37. “A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.”

– John Andrew Holmes.

38. “They vomit a lot. For a second, I thought I needed to rename my first ‘Linda Blair’ and hire a priest.”

– Jimmy Fallon”

39. “Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip her jacket by herself.”

– Unknown*.

40. “Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate, like having Janis Joplin with a bad hangover and PMS come to stay with you.”

― Anne Lamott.

41. “I love kids. I was a kid myself, once.”

– Tom Cruise.

42. “I love kids, but they are a tough audience.”

– Robbin Williams.

43. “There is nothing that can bring you closer to fearlessness about everything else in the world than being a parent—because everyday fears—like not being approved of—pale by comparison to the fears you have about your children.”

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– Arianna Huffington.

44. “The birth of my sons. The birth of new emotions…what a privilege. What a blessing.”

– Elle Macpherson.

45. “Hugs can do great amounts of good, especially for children.”

– Princess Diana.

46. “Always kiss your children goodnight—even if they’re already asleep.”

– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

47. “It is a wise father that knows his own child.”

– William Shakespeare.

48. “Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.”

– Lin Yutang.

49. “What it’s like to be a parent: It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love.”

– Nicholas Sparks.

50. “A baby is born with a need to be loved—and never outgrows it.”

– Frank A. Clark.

51. “I love these little people and it is no slight thing that they, who are so fresh from God, love us.

– Charles Dickens.

52. “A baby will make love stronger, days longer, nights shorter, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.”

– Unknown*.

53. “I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt.

54. “Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here for an hour, I would have died for you. This is the miracle of life.”

– Unknown*.

55. “A little child, born yesterday,

A thing on mother’s milk and kisses fed.”

– Shelley.

56. “Oh the places you’ll go and the people you’ll see.”

– Dr. Seuss.

57. “A arying baby is the best form of birth control.”

– Carole Tabron.

58. “When you’re drawing up your first list of life’s miracles, you might place near the top the first moment your baby smiles at you.”

– Bob Greene.

59. “When babies look beyond you and giggle, maybe they’re seeing angels.”

– Eileen Elias Freeman.

60. “A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on.”

– Carl Sandburg.

61. “Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”

– Ralph Bus.

62. “To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”

– Ernest Hemingway.

63. “I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”

– Percy French.

65. “There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother’s age.”

– Benjamin Spock.

65. “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

– James Arthur Baldwin.

66. “The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant-and let the air out of the tires.”

– Dorothy Parker.

67. “There’s nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child.”

– Frank A. Clark.

68. “I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: ‘Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant’.”

– Dean Martin.

69. “Before I was married, I had a hundred theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories.”

– John Wilmot.

70. “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.”

– Harry S. Truman.

71. “A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.”

– Unknown*.

72. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

– Jon Stewart.

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73. “Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years, I spent without a child, of course.”

– Ryan Reynolds.

74. “How could something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”

– Steve Guttenberg In ‘Three Men And A Baby’.

75. “Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate.”

– Anne Lamott.

76. “You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics.”

– Blake Lively.

77. “Oh, you have a new baby? Is she sleeping? Is she pooping?’ Normally I’d be blushing, but as a parent you just get used to it, and pooping is just another verb in your vocabulary.”

– Jimmy Fallon.

78. “Congrats…you’ll soon live in a madhouse run by a tiny army you created yourself.”

– Unknown*.

79. “They eat, they crap, they sleep. And if they’re crying, they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple.”

– Matthew McConaughey.

80. “If you want to know what it’s like to have a 4th kid, just imagine you are drowning and someone hands you a 4th kid.”

– Jim Gaffigan.

81. “My alarm clock wears cute PJs and smiles at me when I wake up.”

– Unknown*.

82. “Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That’s what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.”

– Bethany Hamilton.

83. “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

– Maya Angelou.

84. “Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will move mountains.”

– Napoleon.

85. “Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That’s what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.”

– Bethany Hamilton.

86. “And one day she discovered that she was fierce, and strong, and full of fire and that not even she could hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears.”

– Mark Anthony.

87. “People who say they sleep like a baby, usually don’t have one.”

– Leo Burke.

88. “Children have neither past nor future. They enjoy the present, which very few of us do.”

– Jean De La Bruyere.

89. “A new baby is like the beginning of all things- wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.”

– Eda LeShan.

90. “Three things remain with us from paradise: stars, flowers and children.”

– Dante Alighieri.

91. “Life is a flame that is always burning itself out, but it catches fire again every time a child is born.”

– George Bernard Shaw.

92. “Like stars are to the sky, so are the children to our world. They deserve to shine!”

– Chinonye J. Chidolue.

93. “Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child.”

– Tina Brown.

94. “In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.”

– Erma Bombeck.

95. “None of it is real until all of a sudden they’re standing there covered in slime and crying. You’re like, wait a minute, what is that?”

– George Clooney.

96. “24/7. Once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer!”

– Jodi Picoult.

97. “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”

– Lane Olinghouse.

98. “Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”

– Nia Vardalos.

99. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

– Milton Berle.

100. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”

– Phyllis Diller.